


too young to feel this old

by stellalunar



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Breakdown (?) I guess, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22080262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellalunar/pseuds/stellalunar
Summary: "You're not okay, Jisung," Seungmin reaches forward to pick up one of Jisung's hands, the older's palm ice cold against Seungmin's warmer one."I'm not," Jisung says, voice defeated. "I'm not, and it's going to be a while before I am. Is..is that okay?"orMaybe Jisung's a hard one to get to, but Seungmin's willing to be patient, even in the dark.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Kim Seungmin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 196





	too young to feel this old

"Hey, Chan-hyung?" 

Seungmin only steps forward when Chan doesn't answer him, beyond immersed in his laptop screen. He reaches forward and taps Chan gently on the shoulder. The older startles for just a second, slipping his headphones around his neck and turning around with a confused expression that settles when he sees Seungmin. 

"Oh, sorry, Seungminnie, I didn't see you," Chan smiles sheepishly, hitting one of the keys on his computer to pause whatever he's working on. "What's up?"

Seungmin waves Chan's apology off quickly before he answers, shoving his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt. 

"Where's Jisung?" 

Chan furrows an eyebrow in confusion before a look of realization dawns on his face. 

"He--oh, right, he's still at the company. He said not to wait up for him, though," Chan adds as an afterthought, crossing his arms. 

Seungmin lets out a heavy exhale and leans against the wall behind him, locking eyes with Chan. 

"Hyung, is--is he...okay? Like, how's he doing? With all of, you know," Seungmin gestures around him airily, "everything?" 

Chan's eyes immediately dull a bit, and that could've been enough of an answer for Seungmin without him even saying anything. He thinks his reply over before he delivers it, though, both hands coming to settle in his lap and a sheen of wear seeming to tire out his features even further. 

"Truthfully? I'm not completely sure, Seungmin," Chan says quietly, finally looking up again. "He doesn't talk to me about it. I know Changbin's talked to him a bit, but he's--he's kind of shoved it under the carpet. I know it's affecting him more than he lets on, but--but I don't know." 

The tone of Chan's voice is enough for Seungmin to understand that being kept out of the loop is hurting Chan as much as it's probably hurting Jisung, if not more. Chan says over and over again that he doesn't have favorites--and while that's true, he definitely doesn't play favorites, Seungmin knows he holds a special place in his heart for Jisung. It's understandable, Jisung had been his first maknae, by his side the longest. Chan had quite literally raised the younger boy for nearly four years before they debuted, so it isn't surprising that he has a soft spot for him. 

"How much do you think he'll hate me if I crash his studio session?" Seungmin asks, pushing himself off the wall with a half-smile on his face.

Chan gives him a smile in return, some of the tension leaving his shoulders. "Buy him donuts in the morning and I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Bet," Seungmin says instantly, turning to leave the room.

"Wear a jacket, Seungmin!" Chan calls after him when he's in the hallway, and then it's quiet after Seungmin yells back that he will. 

It's pure stupidity not to wear a jacket anyways when it's nearly below freezing outside--that's the kind of dumbassery only Jisung or Changbin would pull. 

And despite that he's nearly frozen by the time he reaches the company. The warm air is a pleasant change from the harsh wind poking pins and needles into his cheeks outside, and for a change the women behind the counter actually look like they aren't being forced to be there. They smile warmly at him when he shows them his ID and wave him through with greetings. 

Jisung isn't in any of the monitoring studios, as it turns out, and he isn't in any of the vocal practice rooms either. That means Seungmin ends up going back down to the second floor because the only other place he could be would be the dance practice rooms. Most of them are dark, but a couple all the way at the end of the hallway still have the lights on. What confuses Seungmin is that Jisung's in neither of the lit studio rooms--though he does find Minho and Jeongin in one of them.

Minho's holding Jeongin's arm out, clearly in the middle of teaching him some dance move, but they both look up at Seungmin when he pulls the door open. 

"Oh, it's you," Minho says, letting go of Jeongin's arm. "Your shadow looked like the choreographer's for a second." 

Seungmin considers asking why Minho knows what the choreographer's shadow looks like, but it's Minho. He doesn't bother. 

"Have you guys seen Jisung?" 

Minho shakes his head slowly and Jeongin answers once he's tipped the water bottle back from his lips. 

"No, I didn't even know he was here. All the lights were off when we got here," Jeongin says between breaths. Minho rubs his shoulder encouragingly, gesturing for him to drink more water. 

"That's weird," Seungmin mumbles, putting his hands in his pockets. "Chan-hyung said he was still here." 

"Did you check upstairs?" Minho asks, and Seungmin nods. "He's not upstairs either. Most of the monitoring ones are locked and he wasn't in any of the vocal practice rooms." 

"I mean, you could just check all the unlocked rooms," Jeongin suggests. "Maybe the lights automatically turned off wherever he is." 

Seungmin nods slowly. He hadn't thought of that, though it would be odd for Jisung to just..not turn them back on. 

"Yeah, I'll check," Seungmin says, "I'll see you guys at home?" 

Minho and Jeongin wave him off with mirroring nods before returning to their practice, and Seungmin lets the door slip shut behind him as he steps back into the hallway. All three of the next doors are locked, but the fourth one is, surprisingly, unlocked. Seungmin hesitates for just a second before turning the metal handle down and opening the door slowly. There's just enough moonlight coming in from the window for him to make out a figure on the floor in the middle of the room, arms crossed under their head and legs stretched out. 

It's too unnatural of a position to have fallen in, but Seungmin's just not sure if it's Jisung or not. 

"Jisung?" Seungmin asks, wincing when his voice echoes through the deathly quiet room. 

It's silent for a few seconds, and then, "Hi Seungmin." 

Seungmin breathes out in relief when he recognizes Jisung's voice and steps into the room completely. His hand hovers over the light switch for a minute before he drops it for some reason and makes his way over to Jisung instead. The moon's bright enough for him to make out Jisung's features--he's clearly been practicing because there's a thin sheen of sweat glinting on his skin and his hair's damp. 

His eyes are closed and even in the dim lighting, Seungmin can make out dark circles underneath them. His hair's splayed over his fingers and he's shed his hoodie, the gray material discarded somewhere to his left. The position looks like it should be relaxing, but there's tension in the lines of Jisung's face. Vaguely Seungmin also takes note of the fact that his cheeks look thinner, more hollowed out--and wonders whether it's weight loss or just Jisung growing up. 

Seungmin lowers himself carefully next to Jisung into a cross-legged position, right by his torso. 

"What are you doing, Ji?" 

There's a pause before Jisung's lips part and a tired exhale leaves his tongue.

"Thinking," he says finally, eyes staying closed. 

"Why are you in the dark?" Seungmin asks next, twisting his fingers together. 

"Because whatever is done in the dark stays in the dark," Jisung answers quietly. "And whatever I think in the dark stays in the dark." 

It isn't very often that Seungmin gets to see Jisung as serious as he is right now. More often than not he plays his role to keep everyone's spirits up no matter how tired he may be, and Seungmin thinks, every once in a while, that maybe they don't appreciate that as much as they should. Car rides back from faraway fansigns just haven't been the same recently. 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Seungmin says timidly. 

He sees one corner of Jisung's lips lift slightly in amusement before the smile is gone and his face is still again. 

"Seungmin-ah," Jisung says finally, "If I had to tell you what I was thinking you'd be a skeleton of the next century by the time I finished." 

There's a playful tone to his voice that indicates that he's attempting to joke a bit, but the flatness of his tone is what keeps Seungmin seated. 

"I'd listen," Seungmin says, sitting back on his hands. "Any one of us would listen if you asked us to," he adds afterwards. 

Jisung snorts at that. "Chan-hyung put you up to this, huh?" 

Seungmin can't believe just how much Jisung's managed to infer through his one statement. 

"He didn't, actually," Seungmin says softly. "But I did tell him I was coming." 

Jisung is quiet, then, and Seungmin wonders whether staying is a good idea. It's completely quiet for a good few minutes until Jisung moves one arm from under his head and rests it over his eyes instead, like he's trying to block out some sort of invisible light. 

"Are you here to ask how I'm doing, or something?"

"No," Seungmin responds simply. "Just thought you might be lonely so late." 

The dry laugh Jisung lets out at that sends shivers down Seungmin's spine. 

"Too late," he mumbles. "I'm always lonely." 

Seungmin presses his lips together. Funnily enough, he doesn't think Jisung means he's physically alone, because he definitely isn't. Even before, but amplified now, someone is almost always hovering by his side or constantly keeping an eye on him. 

"It's so fucking stupid," Jisung continues, when Seungmin doesn't say anything, "because I can't be around people, and yet I still complain that I'm lonely. The world really fucks with you like that, huh? You think you find a solution to something, and then you can't even use it because you're--you're fucking _handicapped_ in some way." 

"Jisungie, you aren't handicapped--" Seungmin starts, but he's cut off before he can finish. 

"I am, though, Seungmin. I _am_ ," Jisung sits up, opening his eyes and looking straight at Seungmin. "I'm fucking handicapped because I'm an _idol_ who can't stand people. Do you see the irony, Seungmin? I'm an _idol_ with _social anxiety_. In what fucked up world does that make any sense at all?" 

"Jisung," Seungmin says mournfully, but Jisung's not ready to stop yet. 

"And I'm always lonely no matter how many of you are with me because my stupid brain gets all caught up in itself and it's--it's cold, you know? It's really fucking cold because I get trapped all the way in here," Jisung taps the side of his head with two fingers, "and I can't get out." 

"Can I tell you something, Seungmin?" Jisung says suddenly, his eyes bearing holes into Seungmin's when all he can do is nod. "I'm scared." 

His voice sounds tired, so tired, nearly broken, and it rips Seungmin's heart in half. This is a side of Jisung that he hasn't seen before, a side so fragile that it seems like it'll break if he gets any closer. This is one of the few times that Jisung sounds much older than he is, one of the few times he understands what Changbin means. 

Jisung is barely older than Seungmin yet he's dealing with more than anyone his age ever should. 

"Can I tell _you_ something, Jisungie?" Seungmin asks, and he doesn't wait for Jisung's response. "It's okay for you to be scared." 

Jisung shakes his head, looking up and blinking away unshed tears. "I'm fucking _terrified_ of what'll happen to me, Seungmin," Jisung says, his voice cracking. "I'm _tired_. It's exhausting and maybe it shouldn't be, but I--I'm just--I'm tired." 

And for the first time ever, Seungmin sees something in Jisung that he's never, ever seen before. 

Jisung is lost. 

For the first time in his life Seungmin realizes that Jisung's losing control on things he never thought he could, and trying to hold onto those things is wearing him thin. It's like a child losing their parents and refusing to admit that they've done so until they realize that they can't go on till they've admitted it, and Jisung's reaching his breaking point. 

"Jisungie, you're allowed to be tired," Seungmin says softly. "You, of all people, you're--you're allowed to be exhausted." 

Jisung huffs out a laugh that has no humor in it, dropping his head so his chin's touching his chest. "I'm not, though," he says softly, voice barely above a whisper. "Not according to them." He gestures to his head. 

"You're not okay, Jisung," Seungmin reaches forward to pick up one of Jisung's hands, the older's palm ice cold against Seungmin's warmer one. 

"I'm not," Jisung says, voice defeated. "I'm not, and it's going to be a while before I am. Is..is that okay?" 

He sounds like a child asking for permission and Seungmin wants nothing more than to engrave it in Jisung's head that it's his right to not be okay for a while. 

"Yeah, Ji," Seungmin says, and that's when the first teardrop dances off of Jisung's lashes and rolls down his cheek, "that's fine." 

And then he's surging forward and pulling Jisung into a hug that he hadn't known he had the strength to give and Jisung's gone completely limp in Seungmin's hold and he can feel the shoulder of his sweatshirt dampening. 

But he couldn't care less. All he needs is to be there right now, and he's willing to give that for the boy in his arms. 

"Can you keep the light out, Seungmin?" Jisung's voice is hushed, broken. "Can you promise me that this stays in the dark?" 

Seungmin smiles bitterly and holds Jisung tighter, rocking them back and forth. 

"What's said in the dark stays in the dark too, Jisungie." 

**Author's Note:**

> 1 am word vomit...part 2?   
> also seungsung fic (probably longer) coming out soon, thank you for reading, i love you <3


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